


Everything That Haunts You

by EMMegs



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: AU Hide lives, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Canon Divergent eventually, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I'M DYING OMG, I'm sticking by that, If this actually predicts what Ishida actually does I'll scream, Kaneki is totally ace, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Self-Hatred, So much suffering..., What is romance??, at least I think so, scar kisses!, spoilers through chapter 74, what am I doing omg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 06:57:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6413536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EMMegs/pseuds/EMMegs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're just two broken people trying to fix the world. </p><p>“I could have walked away when you disappeared. I could have moved on with my life, tried to find new friends. But… You’re my everything. I don’t think I had any other choice but to follow you. Even if it meant diving into the dangers of the ghoul world and insanity or even swimming with sharks. I couldn’t have stopped myself, even if I tried.”</p><p>Spoilers for :re through chapter 74.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything That Haunts You

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I have pushed all my suffering off onto everyone. Please be kind... or throw things at me. Whichever makes you feel better. I'm gonna go throw myself into the sun because I'm upset at myself for this.

i. 

Kaneki doesn’t know why but he finds himself constantly looking over his shoulder for Hide. The blond has an eerie way of showing up exactly when Kaneki doesn’t want him to, exactly when it would be the most dangerous for him to. It’s given him a complex, really, this constant watch for a head of outrageous yellow hair. After his mom had died, he would dread the times when Hide would pop up around his aunt. It wasn’t that _he_ didn’t appreciate his best friend’s efforts to cheer him up by appearing spontaneously. His _aunt_ , however, minded very much. She couldn’t seem to stand seeing him happy. And Hide was the epitome of his happiness.

It’s always when he’s walking home from school. He’ll have _just_ said goodbye to Hide but he’ll somehow ambush him right before he reaches his house – _how does he get there quicker than him anyway??_ – and ask if they can ‘study’ together. ‘Studying’ usually means ‘Distract Kaneki’ but Kaneki still can’t find it in his heart to tell him no.

Hide has always known what was going on with his aunt. And maybe that’s why he’s always showing up, even though it just makes his aunt loathe him more. Kaneki didn’t want his aunt to hate his best friend, didn’t want anyone to hate him.

So he looks over his shoulder, hoping to intercept him so they could go somewhere else.

 

ii.

His paranoia only increases after the surgery that turns him into a ghoul. Now he has something that’s a billion times more important to hide from Hide than just his moody, hateful aunt – _how can he hide anything from him??_ Kaneki cannot stand the idea of hurting Hide, or anyone for that matter. He feels the hunger as the monster half of him literally tries to tear him apart but he can’t hurt, he can’t kill, he can’t eat.

“Kaneki!”

He pales and pretends not to hear his voice, shuffling forward and pulling his hood up further. He can’t let Hide see him like this – not _ever_. Not when his hunger is out of control, not when every wafting scent of passing flesh nearly sends him reeling after them.

He stiffens as he feels arms around his shoulders, weight at his back

“Ka-ne-ki!” Hide whines in his ear, “Why are you ignoring me? Rabbits die when they’re lonely you know!”

Kaneki is frozen in place, staring ahead, trying desperately to combat his rampaging thoughts of _eateatmeatflesheathungryeatmeatfleshmeatmeatmeateat_ and _nononononononothimnotHide_.

And Hide is so warm. He’s so alive. He’s so fresh. He’s so juicy. He smells _so good_ , like cinnamon and apples, like baking bread, like heaven.

 _No_. he tells himself quickly, _No. This is Hide. Hide is off limits._

“You okay, buddy?” Hide asks, that stupid grin of his tinged with the slightest bit of concern. He almost cries with relief when Hide steps away from him, even if it’s only to stare into his face with scrutiny. “You look kind of pale. Have you been eating right? Do you feel alright? Are your organs acting up?”

 _‘Yes,’_ he wants to say. _‘Yes that’s it. My organs are acting up.’_ And it would be true because what else is his stomach, what else is the kakuhou that fucked up his DNA if not an immensely annoying organ?

Instead, he swallows and says, “I’m fine. Probably just a stomach bug or something.”

“Well. Do you have to work today? Maybe you should call in.”

He shakes his head and desperately thinks of an excuse not to. “I’m not _that_ sick, Hide.”

“Could’ve fooled me with the way you’re holding your stomach,” Hide snarks back.

Kaneki bites back a curse and curls the hand that had unconsciously strayed to his stomach into a fist at his side. Hide is too observant for his own good, and Kaneki is about 95 percent sure that it will be what ends up killing him.

“I’m _fine_ ,” he insists, forcing himself to stand straighter even though his stomach aches enough with hunger that he wants to curl up on the ground and never get up again.

“Fine,” Hide says, scowling a little. “Still, I’ll walk you to Anteiku. Wouldn’t want you passing out on your way there.”

Kaneki, as much as he adores and cares for Hide, wants to groan and scream at him to just leave him alone. But it wouldn’t drive Hide away even if he did. So he bites his lip, curls his hands up tight enough that his nails cut into his skin, and walks beside him, trying to pay attention when Hide talks about his day.

He breathes in the mouth-watering scent that Hide gives off and makes a note in his mind to keep a closer watch for Hide’s sneak attacks and try to avoid him when he can, _especially_ when he’s hungry.

 

iii.

Amidst the screams and numbers and scratching in his ear that becomes his life, Kaneki, almost by habit, keeps watch for sunshine hair and stupid chortling laughter. He doesn’t want his best friend anywhere near Yamori yet at the same time he wants nothing more than for Hide to appear before him, to smile, to hug him around the shoulders from behind and ask if he’s okay. He wants Hide to bring some comfort back into his life, like he always did when he was in his aunt’s house wanting to stop existing.

The worst times are those where he thinks Hide’s there beside him, when he remembers a particular conversation or just hallucinates and sees him looking at him with concern from behind Yamori. Because those times, when he thinks he’s _truly_ there, he has to stop himself from screaming at him to run, stop himself from drawing attention to his best friend, the most important person to him. Because, surely, if Yamori knew he existed, he would find Hide and he would break him just to bring Kaneki to his knees.

These are also the times when he’s most likely to miscount.

“Nononono! I’m sorry! No… NO!” his mouth will spew as Yamori punishes him for his mistake and Hide has disappeared from his sight.

 _At least he’s not here_. Kaneki always assures himself all the while screaming into oblivion, into the very vortex of despair. _At least I don’t have to watch him die too._

Because he doesn’t know what he would do if Hide was taken from him.

 

iv. 

He stops looking for Hide because after all that time in the checkered room with his torturer, he knows that it’s impossible for him to be there, to be near him.

Yet…

He doesn’t know how Hide got there, how he found him, but he knows that he can’t be here. He _can’t_. If he’s here, then that means… That means that he’s a monster. That means that he has failed at everything he’s tried to accomplish. Because he is half-mad with starvation and Hide’s scent – like always – makes him want to devour him body and soul and mind and use him as fuel to heal the gaping hole in his side. Hide had always carried around enough energy for both of them. And, even covered in sweat and dirt and _is that dried blood?_ ¸he still manages to give off the most amazing smell. Just a taste would be fine surely...

_No, no, no, no, NO._

He decided at the beginning of this waking nightmare that Hide was off-limits. Hide was sacred. Hide would not be touched by the world of ghouls. 

“Hi…de.” His voice is strained.

“I already knew,” Hide says, hand on his shoulder. And it takes all of the meager self-control he has left not to turn his head and bite into his hand. “Come on, Kaneki. Let’s just go home.”

He can’t. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t. He has to save them. He has to save everyone. He can’t go home. He _has_ no home.

No home but Hide and Hide is beyond his grasp, even though he’s squatting in front of him.

_How is he here?? At all times??_

Hide’s grin wavers as he watches his mind race. Then it falls off his face entirely, growing serious. And _no_. Kaneki _never_ wanted to be the reason that his smile ever died.

The next words out of his mouth make his heart stop.

“Well then… I guess the only thing I can do is save you. There is a man ahead. There’s no way you’ll get past him alive.”

_What?_

“Eat me, Kaneki.”

“No,” he gasps, as tempted as he is to rip into that sweet-smelling flesh. “No, Hide.”

“Kaneki, you won’t heal if you don’t eat. There’s no other option.”

Kaneki’s brain is working in overdrive trying to think of some other solution but Hide’s scent and his stomach squirming painfully and the scratching in his ear make it impossible.

“Kaneki,” Hide says, voice firm. “Please. I want to save you… Eat _me_.”

Kaneki chokes as Hide embraces him. The cinnamon-apple bread overwhelms him and he fights the urge for as long as he can.

“Please,” Hide whispers, bearing his shoulder, holding him close.

Kaneki breaks and – with a scream of anger at himself, at Hide for showing up at exactly the wrong moment _again_ , at Dr. Kanou for turning him into this, at Yamori for breaking his mind, at the CCG for not understanding, at the _world_ – digs his teeth into the tender flesh of Hide’s shoulder, his vision going dark.

 

v.

His dreams are filled with an odd mixture of his screams as severed fingers and toes streaming from his mouth like chunky vomit and violently bright blond hair combined with sunshine, cinnamon, and apples. When Haise jerks awake, sweat coating his body, a scream caught in his throat, he makes sure to turn his attention to the latter half of the dreams. There’s an odd glowing peacefulness about that part, as small as it normally is, and Haise wishes that he could make it into a blanket and wrap it around himself. He doesn’t know whose blond hair it is, whose scent, but he knows that he would know in a second if he ever met them. They were important to him. You don’t just go through life not recognizing someone that important, lost memories or not.

A month after blond hair appears in his dreams, he runs into a boy with almost the same shade hair at the coffee shop where he’d first seen the girl with the lovely smile, :re.  _“Eat me_ ,” a voice breathes in his ear and he raises a hand to his ear to banish it. But he can’t stop staring at this boy in the long sleeved, turtleneck shirt and long pants with the sad solemn look on his face as he reads a book, probably for class.

 _“Eat me,”_ the voice says again, reverberating off the walls of his mind. Sasaki’s hand lowers as it echoes and he thinks he – no, past him– must know this boy. Without realizing it, he’s stepped forward, right up to the boy’s table.

“Hide,” he says aloud, without knowing where the name came from.

The boy jumps and looks at him.

Sasaki’s vision goes dark around the edges. He tastes blood in his mouth but nothing is bleeding. His stomach is flipping suddenly and he thinks he might be sick.  “ _Eatmeeatmeeatmeeatme. I WANT TO SAVE YOU,_ ” the voice insists. He covers both ears.

“Uhh. Can I help you?” the boy asks and his hands only muffle the sound slightly. Haise’s nose finally catches a whiff of his scent and he feels even sicker now, because he had been expecting cinnamon and apples but this is just salt and stale chips. Haise closes his eyes, tries to stop the dizzy disorienting feeling that normally precludes a loss of control. His head hurts. He wants to vomit.

“Dude, are you okay?” The boy that obviously isn’t ‘Hide’ stands and reaches a hand toward him. Haise jerks away from the slight touch, unable to stand it.  It’s wrong. _Wrongwrongwrongwrongwrong._ He doesn’t know why but it is.

He has to get out of there. He turns and stumbles out of the shop. The pretty waitress with the nice smile asks him if he’s okay but he just shakes his head and hurries out and around the corner. The taste of blood in his mouth is overwhelming.

He empties his stomach a block from :re in an alley.

_“Kaneki. Please. Eat me.”_

Sobs fall from Haise’s lips like the chunky appendages of his dreams.

 

vi. 

Once he fights Karren and Tsukiyama and accepts the madness within, once he accepts Kaneki, Haise remembers Hide. He remembers every touch, every glance, every word, every moment with him.

He remembers being the death of him. He remembers the taste of his flesh. He remembers the taste of blood thick on his tongue. He remembers leaving him, dead, in the sewers to be collected by the CCG or just left to rot. He remembers what he’s done to Hide.

And Haise – Kaneki, _whatever_ – hates himself.

The one memory alone is enough to send him over the edge. More than torture, more than his kakuja-induced madness, more than his aunt’s hatefulness, more than his parents’ death, more than his mother’s abuse, more than killing Amon, more than any else, killing Hide haunts him relentlessly. When it first comes to him, it takes all he can not to start screaming while sitting at his desk, not to go on a rampage and destroy everything in sight.

Instead, he goes to an empty training room at headquarters and rips the entire room to shreds with his hands, fists, body, feet, kagune, everything he has. He pours his anger into destroying the things around him as much as he wants to destroy himself because he hurt Hide, he hurt his best friend, he _killed_ the most important person to him. By the time he’s finished, his knuckles are skinned and bloody, his body is bruised, and his mind is shattered.\

He sits in the wake of his destruction and he sobs, curling up into a ball, kagune splayed behind him until Akira finds him there.

“Haise,” she says.

“I’m Kaneki,” he answers without looking at her, without moving.

“You are Haise.” Her voice is firm. “Kaneki was the ghoul, you are the human.”

“Then I am Kaneki. I’m the monster.” His voice is choked, his breath is shattered. Akira says nothing. He sits up on his knees and puts his face in his hands. “I killed him,” he says. “I killed Hide. I _ate_ him, Akira.”

“Yes,” she says, “but that’s in the past, Haise. You are not Kaneki anymore, not fully. You have to move on.”

“How can you say that when _I_ killed Amon too?” he demands, pulling himself off the floor and dismantling his kagune. “I _killed_ your partner.”

She shrugs. “People die all the time. Partners, friends, colleagues, _parents_ are killed all the time, especially in the CCG.” She pauses and offers him a small, sad smile. “I know who you are, Haise. You’ve changed and _that_ is not something that happens every day.” It’s silent for a moment as she glances around the wrecked room. “I expect you to clean this up and call a repair team. I’ll see you for coffee in an hour?”

He swallows then nods slowly. Akira’s heels click as she steps out of the room and closes the door behind her. He stands for a few more minutes in self-loathing and then reaches for a bench press that’s broken in five pieces. Hide’s torn open flesh – torn open by _his_ teeth – flashes before his eyes. It takes all his strength not to destroy everything beyond repair.

He sees Hide everywhere after that. He sees his hair bobbing through a crowd. He sees his headphones hanging around someone’s neck. He smells his scent when he passes bakeries, and sometimes, _sometimes_ he smells it when walking along the streets and follows it until it disappears, leaving him with nothing. He sees him in sunflowers in the flower shops. He feels him in the rays of sun. He hears his boisterous laugh in absolutely everyone else. And most of all, he sees him in the liveliness of his mentees, the kids of the Quinx Squad.

He did not deserve Hide. And he does not deserve them either.

His hair has returned to its former jet black and he requests to be transferred. He doesn’t care where they put him. They could turn him into an experiment now, send him off to the research facility. He does not deserve to be around those kids. He does not deserve to be around _anyone_.

He isolates himself and becomes the merciless Associate Special Class Haise Sasaki who is only driven by one thing: exterminating ghouls.

 

vii.

When Arima’s squad is assigned to Cochlea during the Rushima Extermination, he knows it’s over. He could have continued on as the human investigator, could have kept exterminating ghouls in hopes of somehow crushing the part of him that was a ghoul as well. As if, by some miracle, perhaps he would actually become strong enough to banish it, to fully control it’s ravenous hunger, the absolute insanity of it.

But he can’t ignore his memories anymore. He can’t turn away from the people that cared about him. He can’t turn away from the painfulness of the death that faces imprisoned ghouls when they cease to be useful to the CCG. He can’t turn away from the fact that Hinami is one of those imprisoned ghouls and that her time is quickly running out.

He plans. He slips a keycard to Ayato. He dons armor underneath his black squad battle suit. He heads into Cochlea, sees himself as a prisoner there once upon a time. He breathes, takes off his glasses, and lets his doubts slip off him like rain.

Hide had been brave. Hide had done what needed to be done, even if it meant losing his life. He will save Hinami. He will allow her and the others that are surely going to come to escape. He will sacrifice himself, like Hide once did for him.

Arima says nothing when Kaneki’s kagune deflects his attack on Yomo.

“Kaneki, I’ll see you later okay?” Touka says as she slips away and he finds it cruel. There will be no later. Not for him. He is not going to make it out of Cochlea alive. He made it that way. There is nothing left for him if he fails and the chances of him surviving if he succeeds are slim.

This is how he wants to die.

Although he says nothing and keeps his expression as blank as always, he can feel the betrayal coming off of Arima in waves and perhaps a bit of resignation. As though he expected this from him. As though Arima always knew that Haise, the ghoul investigator, could never remain just that, because he was always something more, always something tainted.

He gives it everything he has, despite knowing that it’s futile. And by some miracle, he lands a blow that knocks the wind out of Arima. He doesn’t understand how, he doesn’t know why, but in that moment, he thinks he sees Hide again. Of course, at the worst possible moment, his hallucinations would act up again.

 _“I want to save you,”_ Hide says and he pauses in his attacks. The last time he had earnestly attacked Arima had been after Hide had said that. And then there’s Arima. Arima, who had been like a father to him. Arima, who he _still_ doesn’t understand. Arima, who he’s trained under. His legs are gone before he even realizes it.

“Take this seriously,” Arima says as Kaneki stares at the stumps where his legs used to be. “645 times I could have killed you, and 645 times I didn’t. I could have killed you and gone straight after those other ghouls. I _will_ go after them. The dead can’t beat me.” Kaneki feels a pain in his eyes as though Arima has stabbed him, though he’s remained still. Arima activates the third quinque that was thrown to him while he tries desperately to make his legs fuse back together. “You’re the first I’ll have used this on,” he says. He can feel his kakuja mask forming before he even recognizes it. His kagune weaves along his legs in spirals and extends them into feet. He’s going to protect them.

Kaneki barely recognizes his own thoughts as he’s consumed with a single purpose: _protectthemprotectthemprotectthem._ And a smaller secondary thought which is almost instantaneously squashed: _protect them like Hide protected you._

“Let’s go, _Kaneki Ken_ ,” Arima says, his head tilting to the side.

Kaneki attacks relentlessly and without hesitation.  He can no longer doubt himself. He can no longer let Arima go kill his loved ones. He can no longer consider Arima as his father, as much as the Haise in him is screaming for him to stop. He feels pain as Arima lands blows with Owl but surges on, actively trying to overwhelm him with a barrage of attacks.

Arima may be mostly blind on one side but he’s trained to compensate for it. That had been his downfall before. He won’t let it happen again. In his kakuja form, he’s stronger than ever and that is the only way that he overcomes Arima; first with only glancing blows, then with more direct ones, until, finally, the arm holding Owl is gone, Arima is pinned under him and Kaneki’s kagune is at his throat, waiting to deal the final blow.

Arima’s face is blank as he stares at him, the Reaper facing the possibility of his own death with a concerning amount of calm. “The student surpasses the teacher,” Arima breathes and Kaneki’s mask cracks and splinters away. The Haise in his brain is throwing a fit, begging him to spare his dad. Kaneki tries to brush him off, but he can’t. Haise is still part of him, even if he’s suppressed.

“You won’t go after them,” Kaneki says clearly, his voice harsh. “You will not be their reaper. Or _I_ will be yours.”

He rises from his pinning, the rest of his kakuja stripping away.

“If you let me live, I’ll go after them.”

“Don’t be stupid Arima. The CCG still needs you. You’re still their reaper after all.” He releases Arima and stands above him. “I never asked for this.” He wields his kagune again, but doesn’t deal a fatal blow. Instead, he bluntly knocks Arima on the head to knock him out, probably a first for the previously invincible investigator.

He heads through the doors that Touka and the others had gone through what feels like hours ago and doesn’t look back.  

 

viii. 

He keeps to himself and slips below the radar for a few weeks. Only when he’s sure that no one could be following him does he go to :re at last. The bell over the door jingles as he enters, dressed as inconspicuously as possible. Nishiki turns to greet him and almost drops the cup he’s holding. He scowls and yells, “Touka!”

The shop is distinctly quiet and there are only a few people huddled in the corners. Touka emerges from the back and comes to an abrupt stop when she sees him. He scratches the back of his head to hide his nervousness.

“Kaneki,” she says and her face breaks into a wide grin. “I told you I’d see you later.”

“Apparently I was stronger than the Reaper,” Kaneki says, still a little amazed at himself. No doubt the CCG has probably raised his ghoul rating. A mere SS ghoul would have been no match for Arima. No, they’ve probably made him SSS or created a new rating altogether. “I… don’t know how long I can or even if I should stay.”

Touka laughs. “Silly Kaneki. Where else would you go?” she asks, but there’s an underlying plea in her words, _Please stay. Please don’t go away again._

He sighs. “I don’t want to endanger you all by being here.”

“Then don’t endanger us. You don’t have to physically stay here in order to be with us, Kaneki. And I think you’re underestimating us. You may have been stronger than the Reaper but we _can_ also take care of ourselves.”

He gazes at her a moment and then his gaze softens and he nods. She motions for him to follow her and heads back to what she had been doing before.

“Obviously, you’ll have to stay out of sight. No doubt, some of our customers might recognize you and we do occasionally get ghoul investigators, as you know.” There’s a slight twinkle in her eye but his heart aches because he’s reminded of the Quinx. Of everything he’s left behind because he doesn’t deserve it. Still, he follows Touka, though he doesn’t quite think he deserves :re either, and sits on the couch beside her. Kaneki looks out the window and can’t help but think how much Touka has created a place like Anteiku, right in the first ward. He feels Touka watching him but she says nothing as she brews a pot of coffee.

“Is Hinami safe?” he finally asks when she places a cup in front of him.

“Yes. Ayato has her hidden away somewhere.”

“Good.” At least that had gone to plan.

“You meant to die there, didn’t you?” Touka whispers.

His nose twitches but he doesn’t answer. She already knows. That’s why she had said what she did. _“I’ll see you later.”_

“Is this going to be the same as last time?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you just going to keep actively trying to get yourself killed in the name of _protecting_ us until we finally lose you? Or are you finally done with that?”

He swallows. He can’t deny that the desire to die is still there. Hell, he’d had suicidal thoughts long before he became a ghoul. The only thing stopping him then had been his own cowardice and Hide. The only difference now is that Hide is gone and he’s become a lot more active in seeking death without straight out killing himself. He lets out a breath and Touka rolls her eyes.

“Never mind,” she says, “I don’t want you getting killed but I don’t want to hear it from your mouth that that was actually what you were trying to do.” She turns and leaves him alone for a while and Kaneki tastes the coffee. Warmth fills him and he closes his eyes. It tastes like Anteiku. It feels like home, which is odd because he thought that he had lost all sense of the word. He stares out the window and tries to think of his next move.

“Kaneki.”

It’s started going dark out and he freezes when he hears Hide’s voice. He doesn’t know how to react to his hallucinations anymore. He knows Hide is dead and yet he always seems so real.

“Touka said you were here,” Hide continues and Kaneki refuses to reply because he knows it’s all in his head. It always was. From the moment he started dreaming about Hide, he was always in his head. “Kaneki, look at me.” He doesn’t. He can’t bear to. Then there’s a hand on his cheek, physically forcing him to face the source of the voice. And he’s staring at someone that looks very much like Hide. His hair has more darkness on the top than it did the last time Kaneki saw him and he’s wearing a turtle neck with long sleeves but it’s undoubtedly Hide.

Kaneki’s vision narrows suddenly and he can’t breathe.

“It’s me,” Hide says and his hands on his face are so real. His _scent_ – apples and cinnamon – is so real. “Kaneki. It’s really me.”

He can only stare. “H-How…?”

“What? Did you think I would go in there with no back-up plan?”

Kaneki narrows his eyes, tries to force his vision to focus on Hide. Everything is a blur though. Why is everything a blur? He grabs his head as a sharp pain hits it. He expects Hide to be gone by the time the pain passes but he isn’t. He’s still sitting there, a small worried smile on his lips.

“Figures that you would overreact and blame yourself,” Hide says, leaning toward him. His eyes are so brown, so bright. “You always were one to take on everything yourself. Then again, that’s why we always got along so well, wasn’t it?”

 _Tears_. He realizes. Those are tears blurring his vision. He stands abruptly, turns away. Hide jumps a little at the sudden movement.

“He’s not real,” he whispers to himself, raising his hands to his eyes and pressing his palms into them as though trying to banish the image. “He can’t be real.”

He feels a hand on his shoulder, warm and inviting. And Hide’s scent overwhelms him again. He swallows and grits his teeth. He shakes his head to try and get rid of this awful hallucination.

“Kaneki, I’m real,” Hide says. “Here umm… Remember that time when you had a crush on Chiyumi in fourth grade but you were so shy that you wouldn’t tell her so I gave her a card you’d made instead?” Kaneki does remember, but of course Hide would know that since he’s _all in his head_. It doesn’t prove anything that he knows something that Kaneki does. “Or… you remember meeting me in the sewers of course. But do you remember me saying that I was going to make Arima see that you were worth keeping alive? It worked didn’t it?”

Kaneki turns on him. “You’re dead. You’re all in my head.”

“And I’m telling you, Kaneki. I’m not. I’m here.” Hide grabs his hand and pulls on him until he’s only inches away. He brings Kaneki’s hand to his cheek, his shoulder. “See? I’m here. I’m real. I’m alive.”

Kaneki’s tunnel vision disappears and he sees him clearly. “Oh my god,” he breathes. “ _How?_ ”

“Kaneki… You… weren’t well. I think you understand that. You were half-delirious when I found you in the sewers and your cannibalism was leading you towards full-blown insanity.” He pauses. Kaneki’s hands tighten around his. “You weren’t stable. And I knew you didn’t really want that for yourself. I also knew because of my job at the CCG that they were very much aware of how you became a ghoul, so there was a chance that they would spare you.” Kaneki’s shaking his head but Hide releases his hand to hold his head still. “Let me finish… I knew that if they spared you, there was no way you were going to get better unless you could forget your trauma. It didn’t have to be permanent, just long enough that you could process it better when the time came. And I was right, wasn’t I?”

“But if you were _alive_ this whole time…?”

“Because, Kaneki, if I appeared in your life again too soon, it could have triggered _all_ of your memories to come back, not just the ones with me. And not only the pleasant ones.”

He remembers a time once, before he remembered everything, when he’d run across someone who looked like Hide in :re and he knows that his best friend is right. If he had run into Hide when he was still Haise Sasaki, he would have remembered everything too soon and it would have devastated his mental state beyond repair. Remembering when he was ready to accept his trauma, even if it still made him want to die, was the best route.

But that truth doesn’t make it hurt any less.

He feels heavy. And Hide is watching him like a hawk. Kaneki snakes a hand up his arm, feeling the solidity of it. Though he still doesn’t quite understand how, he actually lets himself believe that Hide is real and in front of him. Then…

“Wait,” he says suddenly, “Touka knew?”

Hide’s grin is sheepish and Kaneki is scowling. There will be words in Touka’s future.

 

ix. 

Now that he knows he’s alive, Kaneki can hardly bear to be away from Hide. He hides it rather well, though, by slipping away from :re and keeping to himself in between the times when Hide comes to :re. They end up running into each other there every other week or so, and every time it surprises Kaneki how ethereal Hide seems to be now. He glides between the ghoul and human worlds with so much ease it’s almost hard to believe that he’s fully human.

Finally, Hide caves and just gives Kaneki the address of his apartment. Apparently he couldn’t stand being away either.

Kaneki stands in front of the door, hesitating to knock. Once he’s entered Hide’s world fully again, he won’t be able to leave. The blond won’t let him leave again. He’s grown bolder, more forceful, though he still shies away from conflict. He’s sure that if he tried to distance himself from Hide again, he wouldn’t stand for it. The more frightening bit is that Kaneki doesn’t think he could bear to do it to himself.

The door swings open and Hide’s standing there grinning. “I thought you might be out here. It’s not like you to be late.” He grabs Kaneki’s hand and pulls him into the apartment before he can protest and suggest that they go somewhere else. The apartment’s layout is simple. The stacks of papers that cover the surface of every table in the living room and dining room are not.

Kaneki doesn’t ask, especially once he catches sight of a picture of Yamori hiding among photos of other Aogiri members. He trusts Hide to be safe and share things that are relevant with him.

Hide shoves some of the papers together in a messy stack and clears the couch so they can sit. Then he goes to get him some coffee. “It isn’t as good as Touka’s,” he says as he hands him the cup. The corners of Kaneki’s mouth turn up a little. “I’ve been studying her technique for a while now but I still can’t get it right.”

He sits beside him and Kaneki’s hand, almost with a will of its own, slides into his friend’s. Hide sighs and squeezes his hand. “It’s really good to have you back.”

“No more dying rabbits?”

Hide smiles and nods. “Yeah… Three years of virtual solitude really wouldn’t be the best thing for a rabbit though and I’m still here so I guess you were right. I’m not a rabbit.” Kaneki feels like he was just punched in the gut between Hide’s words and the way his expression slides into something that vaguely resembles an ache. “Still kind of feels like it though,” he continues, then tries to smile. “You were always the one constant, Kaneki. When everyone else moved away or died or left, you were the one person who stayed put. I’m a friendly guy but I don’t think I ever had any real friends besides you.”

The confession leaves him winded and Kaneki abruptly sees before him the Hide he had once known contrasted with the one that he sees before him. There’s an other-worldly quality about Hide now that weighs him down, his knowledge of the world and the horrors that exist in it, both in humanity and in ghouls. The light still burns in him, he would be a fool not to see it that it’s still there, but it’s dimmed, it’s not as bright as it used to be.

“I did this,” Kaneki breathes as he stares at Hide. His fingers brush against the sleeve of Hide’s shirt and Hide catches his hand as he tries to withdraw it. “I pulled you into this world. I put this look on your face.” His other hand brushes his cheek. “I… I shouldn’t have done this.”

Hide manages to choke up a laugh, but it doesn’t quite sound real. “Kaneki… _You_ were thrown into this too. You didn’t have any more choice than I did.” He smiles. “I could have walked away when you disappeared. I could have moved on with my life, tried to find new friends. But… you’re my everything. I don’t think I had any other choice but to follow you. Even if it meant diving into the dangers of the ghoul world and insanity, even if it meant swimming with sharks, I couldn’t have stopped myself if I tried.

He’s gazing at something far-off, remembering something, Kaneki’s sure of it. But he shakes himself out of it and his gaze returns to him. “Let’s stop blaming ourselves for things that were beyond our control and just move forward now that we’re together again, okay?”

Kaneki’s hand is still poised on Hide’s cheek. His other hand is clasped in Hide’s.

“Okay,” he says firmly with a nod. Hide grins and pulls him in for a hug.

 

x. 

They end up playing tag. Hide will sometimes show up at :re and Kaneki will sometimes go to Hide’s tiny lonesome apartment. And the days or weeks in between Kaneki will sit around Touka and Hinami’s apartment and read or sometimes he’ll harvest suicide victims for :re, but he’s always thinking of Hide what he might be doing. Not knowing gives him anxiety, even if he won’t admit it because he doesn’t want to worry him. It occurs to both of them that Kaneki could easily move in with Hide but Kaneki is not ready to place “harboring a ghoul” on Hide’s list of possible crimes if the CCG comes after him. He does occasionally end up staying the night though and that’s when they crawl into bed like they did when they were kids, except now it means so much more than just a sleepover. Because Kaneki is still egregiously aware of how much he still doesn’t understand of what Hide’s been doing the last three years. Because he does know that there’s a high chance that Hide is hiding the full extent of the damage that Kaneki has done. Because Hide had become – or perhaps he always was – Kaneki’s safe place, and somehow, despite everything he’s done, Kaneki is Hide’s.

They aren’t kids anymore, but they curl towards each other as they sleep just like they did then.

Hide is clingy and Kaneki sleeps like a log when he finally gets there. And when Kaneki wakes in the morning, Hide’s arm or leg or both are draped around him, his breath is close, he’s drooling on his shoulder, and Kaneki, despite the slight discomfort of Hide’s furnace-level heat and weight, can’t bring himself to push him away.

He begins to think that maybe Hide is right. They’re intertwined; one could never get away from the fate of the other, even if they wanted to.

And then Hide jerks so hard as he wakes from a nightmare that the movement wakes Kaneki and in an instant his world is shaken to the core.

Before he fully understands what’s happening, Hide is withdrawing from him, curling into himself and sobbing. He doesn’t respond well to being touched either. Kaneki is at a loss as to what he should do.

“Hide,” he says softly, his hand outstretched but not touching him, “it’s okay. Whatever you dreamt just now, it’s okay. You’re okay. You’re safe.”

Hide’s eyes open and show themselves through the cracks between his fingers. Kaneki gives a little wave. The blond draws in a shuddering breath and breathes out, “Kaneki.” He nods in response to his name and draws his hand slightly closer to Hide’s shoulder. “Don’t,” he cries, jerking away. “Don’t. It… hurts.”

Kaneki frowns. “What does?”

“I feel like I’m on fire.”

“Where?”

“Everywhere.”

He swallows and stands. Hide closes his eyes and shudders in response to the movement. “I’m going to get you some water, okay?”

He gets the barest hint of a nod.

By the time he comes back with the glass, Hide is sitting up, staring into space but otherwise looking totally fine. Kaneki hands him the glass and sits down. Hide downs the water in one go and Kaneki notices his hands shaking as he puts the empty glass on the table next to his bed. Kaneki holds a hand out to him and this time Hide takes it, looking as though he’s waiting for lightning to strike him. He breathes a sigh of relief and Kaneki knows it’s okay to touch him again.

His other hand gently grasps his shoulder while the one in Hide’s hand slides out of his grip and up his arm.

“You okay?” he asks. Hide just nods.

Kaneki doesn’t ask what the dream was about. He just guides Hide to lie back down and curls up behind him, his chest to Hide’s back.

“I’m sorry,” Hide mutters as the fingers of Kaneki’s left hand lace with Hide’s right.

Kaneki shushes him just like he always did for him. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“But I woke you.”

“It’s alright, Hide. I can deal with a few minutes less sleep.”

Hide’s hand tightens on his and Kaneki swallows, wondering if he might someday have the guts to tell Hide exactly what he means to him.

 

xi.

Kaneki dreams of Arima’s lightning and Yamori’s pliers. He dreams of fingers and toes scratching in his ears and forcing their way down his throat. He dreams of the grinding gears of a ghoul compactor. He dreams of his own kagune screaming in desperation, Arima’s cold voice as he says his name. He dreams that Hide is there in his place, helpless to escape because he’s just a human.

Kaneki, with all the practice he had from living with the Quinx Squad, stifles the scream in his throat and wakes up crying. Hide is also awake next to him and Kaneki wonders if he was also having nightmares. Hide gingerly slips his hand into Kaneki’s and Kaneki knows immediately he’s had another nightmare that had him feeling like he was on fire.

Kaneki’s thumb traces circles in the back of Hide’s hand, watching Hide watch him.

“Wanna talk about it?” Hide whispers. Kaneki almost shakes his head but instead his grip on Hide’s hand tightens. Hide guesses, “It had to do with me, didn’t it?” Kaneki nods. He’s still not sure if he should even be sticking around Hide but he can’t seem to keep himself away. Every nightmare he has tries to scare him away. Hide’s trying to read the thoughts behind his eyes. “You’re not thinking about taking off again are you?” There’s a fear in Hide’s voice that breaks Kaneki’s heart and his other hand comes up to hold his shoulder. “You can’t.”

“Hide… I… I’m better off alone.”

“Why do you _always_ think that? Why do you always have to do it yourself? Kaneki, when have you _ever_ been better by yourself?”

Kaneki tries to think of a time but he can’t. There had always been people around him. People which he’d grown attached to. He remembers his nightmare and feels tears pressing at the back of his eyes, panic in the back of his throat. “Hide, you’re my _everything_ ,” he chokes, repeating Hide’s exact words from weeks ago. “I-If _anything_ happened to you because of your association with me… If I somehow failed to protect you… _Goddammit I hurt you once already._ ”

“That wasn’t your fault, Kaneki. And you don’t have to do everything.”

“I _ate_ you.”

“And it was my choice,” Hide says firmly. “I sacrificed my flesh so that you could live.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re important to me, Kaneki. How many times do I have to say it before you get it? _You are important._ ”

“Then why do you hide the scars that are inevitably there?”

“Because I know they’ll upset you. Because I don’t need people in my day-to-day life thinking that I was attacked by a ghoul and becoming _more_ afraid of them. They’d draw unnecessary attention to me and I _don’t need it_ because it was my choice. It was my choice to help you live because you have worth, as a human, as a ghoul, and _as my friend_.”

Kaneki stares at him. Hide’s hands release him to hold his face. “But what if—“

“No,” Hide says, “No what ifs. What ifs don’t matter. What matters is right here, right now. You and me. Alive, safe, healthy. Yes, we have nightmares sometimes that we won’t be able to keep each other that way, but they’re just nightmares. They’re _just dreams_ , Kaneki. They aren’t real. _We’re_ real.”

Kaneki simply cannot believe how calm this man is. He shakes his head and presses his face into the pillow. Sometimes, like right now, Kaneki still doesn’t quite believe that Hide is real, that _he_ is real. That they’re really _both_ alive, both together again.

“Kaneki,” Hide whispers and it’s _so_ like how he used to hallucinate Hide’s existence that Kaneki’s breath hitches. “Kaneki, look at me.”

Kaneki’s hands curl into his hair and his legs begin to curl up as well. He can’t breathe. Oh God, he can’t move. He can’t think. He’s remembering, suddenly, how Hide tasted and he can’t believe that he’s not hallucinating all over again. _There’s no way he could have survived that_.

Hide’s hands cover Kaneki’s, gently prying them away from his head, pulling him close and holding him. “Kaneki,” he breathes.

“How?” Kaneki chokes out. “How can I know that we’re real? How can I believe that when nothing in my life has been real for such a long time? How am I supposed to believe anything, Hide?”

Hide pulls away from him abruptly and when his presence returns, there’s no fabric between them. “I didn’t show you, because I didn’t want to upset you, but now I see that way of thinking was wrong. You need to see them. Look.”

Kaneki does and he’s both mesmerized and angry about what he sees. Patches of pale, indented flesh run from the crook of Hide’s neck, along his shoulder, down his arm, even along his ribs. He hesitates to touch Hide, half-afraid that he’s imagining this too. “Go on,” Hide murmurs. “Ground yourself. I’m here. I’m real.” His fingers trace over the scars that cross the entire right side of Hide’s body while Hide talks to him in a soft voice. “I can’t feel anything anymore,” he murmurs as he watches Kaneki’s hands. “At first they hurt, but the nerves are dead now.” His fingers brush through the dents in his skin, tracing the marks that his own mouth had formed. They run as far as his lower ribs and Kaneki can’t help but frown as he comes to the realization. Hide smiles sardonically. “You kept trying to stop yourself. But you needed it, so you would move away only to come back.”

Kaneki tries to remember something more than just Hide’s taste. He tries for a solid minute, his hands still sweeping over Hide’s shoulders and his side.

“Stop,” Hide breathes, and he supposes it’s just a testament to how well the blond knows him, “Stop trying to remember. It doesn’t matter.” Kaneki swallows and Hide brings a hand to Kaneki’s head, brushing his fingers through his hair. “Does that help?”

Kaneki looks his in the face, his apples and cinnamon scent surrounding him, and knows that he can’t put off telling him any longer. “Hide,” he says and his voice breaks. “You’re my everything. You’ve always been my everything. I don’t know what that means exactly, but you’re the only person I’ve been thinking of, the only one who’s mattered for as long as I can remember.”

Hide’s eyes are soft. “I knew that silly,” he murmurs.

Kaneki presses his forehead to Hide’s shoulder and when the blond doesn’t react, he lifts his head and places a kiss on the scarred mass of his shoulder. He peppers kisses along Hide’s arm, plants one on his palm, on his neck, on his side, along his ribs. He leaves a kiss for every bite he’d ever taken from his flesh, for every scar that he had caused. And Hide just watches him with wonder until Kaneki pulls away, only briefly, to kiss him on the mouth instead. It lingers much longer after he pulls away finally.

“You’re still surprising, Kaneki Ken,” Hide murmurs as he holds Kaneki’s face in his hands. Kaneki smiles and is surprised by how easy it is; both to smile and to forgive himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Who’s the HideKane/HideHaise trash queen? Me. Definitely me.
> 
> Because (1) I needed self-indulgent HideHaise/HideKane scar kisses; (2) I cannot accept that Hide is possibly dead; and (3) all of this is going to become canon-divergent anyway because Ishida’s probably going to fuck with us beyond belief in the upcoming chapters, so I might as well. 
> 
> This started out as me wanting HideHaise scar kisses, turned into occasions where Haise/Kaneki thought he saw Hide or did, and then just… Like goddamn this is the second try at containing all my emotions is a semi-coherent format. And the other one ended up diving off into conspiracy land before I could stop it so I decided it was best to reformat and focus solely on Hide and Kaneki like I intended to before everything went to hell. Perhaps one day I will finish and post the conspiracy version but not until I have enhanced my skills for building believable conspiracies. 
> 
> I’ve taken the crash course obsession route into this fandom. I literally read all of TG and TG:re during finals week of winter quarter and then watched both seasons of the anime on day one of spring break. I… would not recommend this to anyone in the future unless you’re prepared to become an emotional wreck who has isolated yourself from your friends and family for extended periods of time. (I’m dumb in other words.) 
> 
> I guess this is also kind of a birthday present to myself. Happy birthday to meeeeeee *muffled sobbing*


End file.
